


Quest For The Piece Of Eden

by MichellesPenScratchz



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Gen, Humor, No Romance, Parody, References to Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25371655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichellesPenScratchz/pseuds/MichellesPenScratchz
Summary: It is 1191 in the Holy Land, and the Templars have come to the stronghold of the Assassins to seek the Piece of Eden. However, they might find themselves outmatched by the ferocity of the assassin leader's taunting... (Parody of Monty Python: Quest For The Holy Grail.)
Kudos: 2





	Quest For The Piece Of Eden

_1191 AD_

_The Holy Land is fraught with peril and conflict. King Richard's Crusader army crosses blades with Saladin's Saracen army at every bend, gaining little but costing the lives of many._

_Beneath this bloody surface rages another conflict._

_The Knights Templar, a supposed faction of the Crusader army led by the imposing Robert de Sable, believes they have found a way to end the war. It rests beneath Solomon's Temple—a Piece of Eden capable of mind control and illusionary deceit. The Templars are opposed only by the Assassins, a mysterious but deadly order whose victims are said to never know their presence until they feel the sting of the silent blade._

_Robert's men were intercepted by three Assassins underneath Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem. It seemed these stealth killers were intent on preventing forced peace at all costs. One was allowed to flee back to his Master, tail between his white-robed legs. Another was killed in the onslaught that followed. The third proved the worthiest adversary of all. Despite the loss of his arm in the battle with the Templars, he managed to escape with the invaluable Piece of Eden in tow, insisting his injuries were "just a flesh wound."_

_An outraged Robert, having consulted his closest knights, decided they should seize the Assassins' home of Masyaf and demand the relic be returned by the order's cunning—if somewhat eccentric—Master, Al Mualim._

**THE QUEST FOR THE PIECE OF EDEN**

The village of Masyaf is a shambles. The ones responsible—Robert and his Templar accomplices—now stand at the gates of Masyaf fortress. The assassins are gathered inside. Al Mualim looks down on the Templar invaders with defiance.

"Heretic!" Robert admonishes. "If you will not return the Piece of Eden, we shall storm this fortress and take it back by force!"

Al Mualim is undaunted. "You've no claim to it, Templar sons of a pig-dog! Take yourselves from here before I'm forced to blow my nose at you! You and all your silly Crusader ka-niggets!" Defiantly, he blows a raspberry.

Maria Thorpe, a valued asset to Robert despite her status as a woman, looks to her Master. "He's quite an odd character…" she remarks.

Robert merely continues to challenge Al Mualim. "You play a dangerous game, my good man!"

"This is no game, you vacuous wipers of donkey bottoms!" the old man retorts. "I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Robert realizes there would be no negotiating the return of the relic. Only threats could sway the proud Assassin Order. "I'm warning you! We won't think twice about surrounding this fortress! We'll see how disciplined your men remain in the face of thirst and starvation!"

Al Mualim hardly blinked. "My men welcome the rewards brought by death!" he declares.

To illustrate this, he gestures to three assassins standing on a ledge. The blindly obedient young lads leap without hesitation off the precipice into the chasm below.

"Now, go away, or my next taunting will be even nastier than the first."

Robert has little time to weight his options. After all, he has to save face in front of his own men. "So be it! I've given you every opportunity, but now you leave me no choice!" he bellows. Then, hailing his men, "Charge!"

The Templar bolt forward, intent on battle. But before they can reach the gate, a tower overhead suddenly opens its hatch, and a deluge of logs tumbles down on them.

Caught by surprise, the Templars only have one option remaining.

"Run away! Run away!"

As they retreat, Al Mualim mocks their incompetence by blowing them a final raspberry.

A safe distance away, the Teutonic leader Sibrand looks up to the impregnable Assassin stronghold with disdain. "Damned assassins! I was so scared, I think I soiled my armor," he grumbles.

William of Montferrat has a more aggressive response to this humiliation. "Fiends! I'll teach them to defy the Order of the Temple!" he declares while drawing his sword.

His hand is stayed by Robert. "Steady, Sir William. You've seen their devious ways. If we hope to reclaim the relic, we must be equally as cunning," the Templar master advises.

"But how, my Lord?" Maria asks.

The band looks at each other dubiously.

Garnier de Naplouse, the austere Grandmaster of the Hospitaller, finally speaks up. "Master. I have a plan…

**Later…**

Al Mualim stands atop Masyaf Fortress, a bird perched on his shoulder. Gradually, he becomes aware of noises in the distance—sawing and hammering. Al Mualim and his bird exchange confused glances. A creaking sound grows louder in the distance, as the silhouette of a large object edges closer to the fortress gate. Al Mualim and the bird look on in surprise as a giant wooden lion, bearing the crest of King Richard, is delivered to the fortress gate. The figures pushing it retreat.

The Templars look on from the sanctity of a haystack as the assassins proceed out and wheel their "gift" inside.

Robert glances at Garnier. "Well? Now what?"

"Ah, now…William, Sibrand and I wait. And when the night comes we emerge from the lion, catching the assassins off their guard, and reclaim the Piece of Eden," the elderly doctor explains.

The others all slowly shift their eyes to him as he's talking.

"… _Who_ …emerges…?" ventures Robert. 

"William, Sibrand and I…come out of the lion…and…" Garnier trails off.

The others all groan.

"Um…oh." Garnier pauses a moment. "Well, listen. We don't _really_ need the Piece of Eden. A series of experiments at my hospital in Acre have shown certain herbs and compounds to have a similar effect." 

Robert drags his hand down his face. " _Pour l'amour de…"_

A loud TWANG rings out. The Templars look up to see the lion sailing through the air. As they look up helplessly, its shadow grows larger around them.

The meek voice of Meister Sibrand croaks out, "…I've done it again…"

"Run away!"

The knights flee. Only a single awestruck Templar remains. He is squashed by the lion. The words "1/60 Templars eliminated" become visible.

~End

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little crack piece from back in the day. Can't be serious all the time.


End file.
